You will be able to reset relationships with former peers openly instead of pretending nothing changed.
On the day Wei Ling's promotion was announced, the team went for lunch at the hawker centre near the office, as they did most Fridays, and everyone congratulated her. Ravi joked about whether she would still sit with them. Jasmine, who had also applied for the role, said "well done" and then spent most of lunch on her phone. On Monday, Wei Ling walked into the office and nobody, Wei Ling included, quite knew how to act.
Being promoted over your former peers is one of the most common ways people become managers, and one of the most awkward. The relationships you had were built on being equals. Now they aren't, and pretending otherwise doesn't make the change go away. It only leaves everyone guessing.
Within the first week or two, hold a one-on-one with each former peer and say plainly that things have changed, in a few honest sentences.
Something like: "This is a bit strange for both of us. Last month we were on the same team, and now I'm your manager. I don't want to pretend that's nothing, and I don't want it to wreck how we work together. Can we talk about how to make it work?"
That opening does a lot. It shows you've noticed the awkwardness instead of acting as if it isn't there. It treats the other person as an adult. And it opens a conversation about the relationship, rather than leaving both of you to work it out through a series of uncomfortable moments.
Wei Ling avoided this for her first month. She was worried that naming the change would sound like pulling rank. The opposite happened. Without the conversation, every small thing, like a request, a correction or a decision, felt loaded, because nobody knew what the new rules were.
The second part of the conversation is a question: what do you need from me as your manager? And a follow-up: what have past managers done that worked for you, and what didn't?
Former peers often know a great deal about what makes a good manager on this team, because they've watched the previous ones. Ravi told Wei Ling that their last manager only spoke to him when something had gone wrong, so every meeting request made him anxious. He asked if she would tell him what a meeting was about when she booked it. It was an easy thing to do, and it would never have occurred to her.
Asking also sets the tone for the one-on-ones from module 2. It tells the person that the relationship goes both ways and their view of your management counts.
Friendship can survive a promotion. Many managers stay close to people who report to them. But some parts of the old relationship have to change, and it's better to say so than to let people find out the hard way.
Favours are the first. You can no longer quietly swap someone's shift, approve their leave over someone else's, or give them the better client because you're friends. Everyone else on the team is watching for exactly that.
Gossip is the second. Conversations about other team members that were harmless between peers become a problem when one of you manages them. If Ravi complains to Wei Ling about Farid's work over lunch, she now has to decide whether to act on it, and Farid has a right to be judged on the evidence of his work.
Venting about the company is the third. As a peer, Wei Ling could join in when the team grumbled about a new policy. As a manager, she is part of how that policy is carried out. She can still listen, take concerns upward and disagree in private, a point lesson 8.3, Bring problems with options, comes back to. What she can't do is join in the grumbling and then enforce the policy the next day.
Say this out loud, kindly, in the same conversation. "I still want us to have lunch. But I can't talk about Farid or Hui Min the way we used to, and if you're unhappy about something at work, I'd rather you tell me as your manager so I can do something about it."
Jasmine needs a different conversation. She applied for the role, didn't get it, and now reports to the person who did. Many new managers avoid the subject and hope time will smooth things over, which it rarely does. In lesson 6.3, Spot disengagement and burnout early, Jasmine's quietness was partly this.
Have a direct conversation early. Acknowledge that she wanted the role and that it must be disappointing. Don't apologise for getting it, and don't explain why you were chosen over her. Then ask what she wants for her career, and mean it.
If she wants to lead a team one day, turn that into a real growth path with dates and work attached. Give her work that builds the skills. She could lead a project, mentor the new hire, or run the weekly team meeting. Use the growth plan from lesson 6.4, Write a growth plan with each person. If she eventually leaves for a manager role elsewhere, a real plan means she leaves on good terms and ready, which is a better outcome than staying resentful.
Wei Ling's conversation with Jasmine was the hardest she had in her first year. It was also the one that changed the most. Within two months, Jasmine was mentoring Aziz and running the weekly team meeting.
The first two minutes of that conversation, with any former peer, are the hardest to get right. Write yours out word for word.
Write the opening two minutes of your first one-on-one with a former peer, including how you will name the change.
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