You will be able to describe your own money habits and where they came from, and recognise your partner's.
Hui Min and Daniel have been together three years and are about to apply for a BTO flat. One Saturday the aircon servicing bill arrives: S$180 in this example, for a chemical wash they had both agreed to. Daniel pays it on his phone in ten seconds and forgets about it. Hui Min feels a small knot in her stomach for the rest of the afternoon, then asks whether they really needed the chemical wash this year. Daniel hears the question as an accusation. By dinner they are arguing about something neither of them can quite name.
The bill was small and both of them could afford it. What clashed was two sets of reflexes, each learned long before they met.
Most of us learned money at the dinner table before we ever earned any. Children notice whether their parents talk about money openly, never mention it, or only mention it when they are fighting. They notice who pays, who worries, and what happens when something unexpected costs a lot.
Hui Min grew up in a three-room flat where her mother kept every receipt in a biscuit tin and her father's income from his taxi changed from week to week. Money was discussed openly, but always with a note of worry. A surprise bill meant a week of plain rice and no outings. She learned that money in the bank is the only thing that makes a family safe.
Daniel's parents never discussed money in front of the children at all. His father paid for everything, quietly, and the subject was closed. Daniel learned that money is handled, not talked about, and that asking about a bill is a little rude.
Neither of them chose these habits. They absorbed them, the way you absorb an accent.
Couples often split along one line. One partner feels safe only when there is a healthy balance in the bank, and spending, even planned spending, feels like losing something. The other partner sees money as a tool for living, so a balance sitting untouched feels like a waste when there are meals to share, trips to take and family to help.
You might recognise yourself in one side more than the other, or you might sit somewhere in between. Most people lean one way, and many people lean differently depending on the category. Daniel will happily spend on a holiday but agonises over a S$40 restaurant bill. Hui Min will save every month without fail but never hesitates over a gift for her parents.
Neither style is wrong. A household with only savers can end up never enjoying what it has worked for, or saying no to things that would have been worth the money. A household with only spenders can be one retrenchment away from trouble. Two styles in one home can balance each other, if the couple understands what is going on.
The trouble starts when each partner explains the other's habit as a character problem. Hui Min sees Daniel's quick payment and thinks he is careless. Daniel sees her question and thinks she does not trust him, or that she is stingy. Once a habit becomes a judgement about character, every bill turns into evidence, and the conversation is no longer about the S$180.
You can usually tell this has happened when an argument uses the words "always" and "never". You always spend without checking. You never let us enjoy anything. Those sentences are about who the other person is, and nobody can win an argument like that.
The way out is to name the habit and where it came from, out loud, at a quiet moment. It sounds simple and it works better than most people expect.
When Hui Min says, "When a bill comes in, I feel like we are in danger, because that is how it felt at home," Daniel can hear it as information about her history. He stops hearing it as criticism of him. When Daniel says, "I pay quickly because in my family you dealt with money and moved on," Hui Min can see that he is not being careless. He is following a rule he grew up with.
Once both habits have names, you can make agreements around them. Hui Min might agree that any bill already in the budget gets paid without discussion. Daniel might agree to mention anything unplanned above an amount they choose together. Neither person has to change who they are. They just stop being surprised by each other.
A few prompts help you find your own habits. Did your parents argue about money, or stay silent about it? Who made the money decisions at home? What happened when there was a big, unexpected cost? And what did you promise yourself you would do differently when you had your own money?
You do not need your partner for the first part of this. Before you compare notes in lesson 1.3, Run the conversation without it turning into a fight, spend a few quiet minutes with your own childhood and see which habit you brought with you into adult life.
Write three sentences on how money was handled in the home you grew up in and one habit you think you carried from it.
Junxiong-WFG Organisation is an authorised representative of AIA Financial Advisers Private Limited (Reg. No. 201715016G).