You will be able to spot jargon and vague marketing words and replace them with plain, concrete ones.
Read the "About us" page of a dozen small businesses and you will start to see the same words: "innovative solutions", "world-class service", "your one-stop shop", "dedicated to excellence". The words sound professional. They also tell the reader nothing they can picture, because they could describe a tuition centre, a plumbing firm or a bank equally well. Readers have seen them so often that they skip over them without noticing.
This lesson is about replacing those words with plain, specific ones. It is the third editing pass from lesson 7.1 in detail.
Some words are so general that the reader cannot form any picture from them. "Solutions" could be anything. "Innovative" is a claim with no detail. "World-class" invites the question: compared with whom, measured how? "One-stop" tells the reader you do several things but not which ones.
These words appear because they feel safe. They sound like what a business is supposed to say, and they cannot be wrong because they say nothing specific. That is exactly the problem. A reader looking for help with a specific need finds nothing to hold on to.
The fix is to ask what you actually mean. "We offer innovative learning solutions" could mean "We teach in classes of six, and the tutor checks every child's working as they go." "Your one-stop shop for cakes" could mean "Birthday cakes, cupcakes and dessert tables, all delivered in Punggol." "World-class service" could mean "We reply to every WhatsApp message within two hours during opening times", if that is true.
Every trade has its own words. Tutors talk about "heuristics" and "model drawing". Bakers talk about "crumb" and "ganache". Financial advisers talk about "CPF LIFE", "premium" and "riders".
These words are not a problem in themselves. If your reader uses them too, they are the clearest way to say something. A parent of a P5 child has probably heard of model drawing from school. A customer ordering a wedding cake may well know what ganache is.
The problem is when you assume the reader knows words they do not. A young adult reading about insurance may not know what a rider is, and will not stop to look it up. They will just feel the page is not for them.
Check against your voice-of-customer file. If customers use the word in their own messages, you can use it. If they never do, either explain it in a few words the first time ("a rider, an add-on to the main policy") or replace it with what they would say.
Many business writers reach for a longer word when a shorter one would do. "Utilise" instead of "use". "Facilitate" instead of "help". "Commence" instead of "start". "Purchase" instead of "buy". "Endeavour" instead of "try". The longer words do not add meaning. They add distance between you and the reader.
A useful test is to imagine saying the sentence to a customer in person. You would never say "We will facilitate your child's learning journey" across a table. You might say "We'll help your child get the method right." Write the version you would say.
This does not mean writing carelessly or using slang everywhere. It means choosing the plain word when it says the same thing.
Writing becomes believable when it is specific. Abstract nouns, such as "quality", "excellence", "commitment" and "care", ask the reader to take your word for it. Concrete nouns, such as "a class of six", "a weekly note to parents" or "a cake baked the morning of delivery", let the reader see it.
Numbers work the same way. "Many satisfied customers" is abstract. "312 families since 2019" is concrete, if it is true and you can show it. (That figure is an example.) "Fast delivery" is abstract. "Next working day if you order by 2pm" is concrete.
When you find a vague phrase, ask "what exactly?" What exactly is the quality? What exactly does the care look like? How many, how often, how long, what does it look like? The answer is almost always better copy than the original.
Here is a paragraph from Mei Ling's old website:
"At our bakery, we are passionate about creating high-quality, bespoke cakes that make every celebration special. Using only the finest ingredients, we strive to exceed expectations and deliver an unforgettable experience."
And here is her rewrite after this pass:
"I bake every cake to order in my kitchen in Punggol, the morning of your delivery, so the sponge is still soft at the party. You tell me the theme, the number of guests and any allergies, and I send you a sketch before I start."
The second version has no adjectives about quality. It shows quality instead, through what she does. And every phrase can be checked.
For the activity, go through your own website, recent posts and any brochure, and list the words and phrases that appear again and again without saying anything specific. Your voice-of-customer file is the best place to find replacements, because it shows the words your customers use for the same thing.
Make a list of ten words or phrases your business overuses and write a plain replacement or a concrete example for each.
Junxiong-WFG Organisation is an authorised representative of AIA Financial Advisers Private Limited (Reg. No. 201715016G).