You will be able to open a difficult conversation with a statement of shared purpose that lowers defensiveness.
Think about the last time someone said "can we talk?" to you in a serious voice. Before they got to the point, you were probably already bracing. Your mind ran through what you might have done wrong and started building a defence. By the time they said what was on their mind, you were listening for the attack and only half hearing the words.
That bracing is the main obstacle in any difficult conversation. Once the other person feels threatened, they stop hearing you and start protecting themselves. This lesson is about the first thirty seconds, and how to open in a way that keeps them listening.
In their work on high-stakes conversations, Kerry Patterson and his co-authors argue that people get defensive when they stop feeling safe, and they name two conditions for safety. The first is mutual purpose: the other person believes you care about their goals and interests, and are not just pushing your own. The second is mutual respect: they believe you respect them as a person, even if you disagree with what they did.
When either condition breaks, the conversation stops being about the topic. It becomes about defending purpose or dignity. Ben, hearing Jia Hui start on the late reports, will be asking himself two questions, probably without noticing: is she trying to get me in trouble, and does she think I'm useless? If the answer to either looks like yes, he will either go quiet or fight back. Patterson and colleagues call these two responses silence and violence. By violence they mean verbal attack, such as sarcasm, labelling or raising your voice, and nothing physical.
Jia Hui's worry, from lesson 6.1, Separate the facts from the story you have built, was that her anger would show. Her anger is not really the risk. The risk is that it signals to Ben that she has no interest in his goals and no respect for him. That is what would trigger his defence.
The simplest protection is to say what you both want before you raise the problem. A shared purpose is a goal the other person would agree with, one that includes their interests as well as yours.
It can be as plain as "I want this project to land well for both of us" or "I'd like us to find a way of working that doesn't leave either of us stuck late." A third version names a goal outside the two of you: "I want the regional team to see our report as solid, because it reflects on both of us."
The purpose has to be true. If you say you want things to work for both of you while planning to escalate to their manager, they will sense it, and the opening will make things worse. When Jia Hui checked hers, she found she really did want the report to look good for both of them, and she had no wish for either of them to be at their desks at nine.
She also asked herself what Ben's purpose was likely to be. As far as she knew he was buried in a separate project with a client deadline, so his goal was probably to get that done without dropping the report. An opening that took his load into account would ring truer than one that only mentioned hers.
Her opening became: "I want the monthly report to go out on time without either of us getting buried. Can we figure out a way to make that work with everything else you've got on?"
People often hear more than you meant. You say the reports are late, and they hear that you think they are lazy. A contrast statement heads this off by saying both what you do not mean and what you do.
The format is simple: "I'm not saying X. I am saying Y." For example: "I'm not saying your work is poor. I'm saying the deadlines keep slipping." Or: "I don't think you're doing this on purpose. I do think we need a different arrangement, because the current one isn't working."
The "not" part addresses the fear. The "am" part states the real issue clearly. Use it when you can predict what the other person is likely to hear, and you know it is not what you mean.
Jia Hui added one to her opening: "I'm not saying you're not pulling your weight. I know you're slammed with the client project. I'm saying the timing of your section keeps leaving me stuck at the end of the month."
Even a good opening does not always land. If the other person goes quiet, crosses their arms, starts justifying, or gets sharp, they no longer feel safe. Pushing on with your point at that moment will not work, because they cannot hear it.
Patterson and colleagues suggest stepping out of the content and restoring safety first. Pause the topic. Repeat your purpose, or use a contrast statement to address the fear you think they have. Then, once they settle, go back in.
In practice it might sound like this. Ben says, sharply, "Well, I didn't ask to be on the client project." Instead of answering that, Jia Hui says: "I know. I'm not trying to make this your fault. I want to find something that works for both of us, given what you're dealing with." Then she waits.
Notice that she does not argue with his point or defend her own. She returns to purpose and respect, and only then picks the topic back up.
An opening that names a shared purpose and includes one contrast statement takes a few minutes to write and makes a large difference to how the rest goes. Write it down and say it aloud once. If it sounds like a script, change the words until it sounds like you talking to this particular person.
In the activity below you write that opening for your own conversation: a statement of shared purpose and one contrast statement.
Write an opening for your conversation that names a shared purpose and includes one contrast statement.
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