You will be able to open a difficult conversation by stating a purpose you share, so the other person is less defensive.
Jia Hui has to tell Ben that his part of the monthly report keeps coming in late (an invented example that carries on from lesson 6.1, "Separate the facts from the story you have built"). In lesson 6.1 she was afraid her anger would show. What she says in the first thirty seconds will shape how Ben hears the rest of the conversation.
Think of a time someone said "can we talk?" to you in a serious tone. You braced before they got to their point. You went over what you might have got wrong, started putting together a defence, and half listened to their words while you waited for the attack. This bracing is the main obstacle in any difficult conversation. A person who feels threatened stops hearing you and starts protecting themselves.
Kerry Patterson and co-authors write about high-stakes conversations. They say people turn defensive when they stop feeling safe, and that safety rests on two conditions. Mutual purpose means the other person believes you care about their goals and interests and aren't only pushing your own. Mutual respect means they believe you respect them as a person, even where you disagree with something they did.
If either condition breaks, the talk moves away from its subject, and the other person starts defending their purpose or their dignity. Patterson and colleagues describe two responses from someone in that state. In silence, they go quiet. In violence, they fight back with words. In this framework violence covers sarcasm, labelling and raising your voice, and it has nothing to do with anything physical.
Picture Jia Hui starting with the late reports. Ben is likely to ask himself two things without being aware of it: whether she wants to get him in trouble, and whether she thinks he's useless. If either answer looks like a yes, he will shut down or push back. Her anger showing is a smaller danger than she feared. The real danger is that she comes across as having no interest in Ben's goals and no respect for him, because that impression is what sets off his defence.
The easiest way to keep someone feeling safe is to name what you both want before you mention the problem. A shared purpose is a goal the other person would agree to, covering their interests along with yours. It can be very plain. You might say you'd like the project to go well for both of you. You might say you want a way of working where neither of you ends up stuck in the office late. Or you can point to something outside the two of you, such as wanting the regional team to see the report as solid, since it reflects on you both.
What you say has to be true. Suppose you claim to want a good result for both sides while you plan to go to their manager. They will pick up on it, and your opening will leave things worse than before. Before you use a purpose, check that you mean it.
Next, think about what the other person probably wants. An opening that allows for their workload or situation sounds more honest than one built only around yours.
When Jia Hui checked her purpose, it held up. She did want the report to look good for both of them, and she didn't want either of them at their desks at nine. From what she knew, Ben was deep in a separate project with a client deadline, so he most likely wanted to finish that without letting the report slide. Her opening ended up close to this: she wants the monthly report out on time without either of them getting buried. Then she asks how they can manage that alongside everything else on Ben's plate.
Listeners often take away more than you said. You mention that the reports are late, and they hear that you think they're lazy. A contrast statement guards against this by saying what you don't mean and then what you do mean, in the shape "I'm not saying X. I am saying Y." The first half speaks to the other person's fear. The second half states the real issue plainly. For example: "I'm not saying the work is bad. I am saying the deadlines keep slipping." Or: "I don't believe you're doing this deliberately. I do believe we need to set things up differently, because the current setup isn't working."
Use one when you can guess how your words might be taken and you know that reading is wrong. Jia Hui guessed Ben might hear that he wasn't pulling his weight. So she told him she wasn't saying that, and that she knew he was slammed with the client project. What she was saying was that the timing of his section keeps leaving her stuck at the end of the month.
A well-built opening can still miss. Watch for the other person going quiet, folding their arms, starting to justify themselves or turning sharp. Once you see any of these, pressing your point gets you nowhere, because they can no longer take it in. Patterson and colleagues advise stepping out of the content, rebuilding safety, and only then coming back to the subject.
Say Ben snaps that he never asked to be put on the client project. Jia Hui doesn't respond to that point. She tells him she knows, that she isn't trying to make it his fault, and that she wants an arrangement that works for both of them given what he's dealing with. After that she waits. She doesn't dispute what he said and she doesn't defend her own position. She goes back to purpose and respect first, and returns to the topic after that.
Repairs follow the same order each time:
Spot the signs: silence, crossed arms, justifying, sharpness. Stop pressing your point and put the topic on hold. Restate your purpose, or offer a contrast statement aimed at the fear you suspect they have. Leave their point unchallenged and don't defend yours. Wait until they settle. Return to the topic.
To prepare your own opening, first find a shared purpose that covers the other person's interests as well as yours. Confirm that you mean it and aren't secretly planning something like escalation. Work out what they probably want and what they're dealing with, and build their workload into what you say. State the shared purpose before you raise the problem. Then guess what they might wrongly hear and add one contrast statement. This takes a few minutes and makes a large difference to how the rest of the conversation goes.
When the opening is written, say it out loud once. If it sounds scripted, change the wording until it sounds like you talking to this one person.
In the activity below, write that opening for your own conversation: a statement of shared purpose and one contrast statement.
Write the opening of your conversation. Name a purpose you both share and include one contrast statement.
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