You will be able to write a full conversation plan, rehearse it with a partner, hold the real conversation and review it afterwards.
Jia Hui's colleague Ben handed in his section of their shared report late three times, and she stayed at work until nine twice. She waited until the third late month before she talked to him about it.
Most people have one conversation like this that they have carried around for weeks or months without having it. It might be with a colleague whose work keeps landing on your desk, a manager who keeps moving your deadlines, or a friend who still hasn't paid back their share of a holiday, say S$800 (an example figure). You may have rehearsed it in your head, in the shower or on the bus, but never actually held it. This project combines all of module 6 into one plan for that conversation. It runs over two weeks. The plan and the rehearsal together take about 45 minutes, and the conversation itself is extra.
The finished project has three parts: a written conversation plan, one rehearsal with a partner, and a half-page review written after the real conversation.
Pick one real conversation you have been putting off. It should matter to you. It should involve someone you will keep dealing with, and it should be something you can raise within the next two weeks. Don't pick the hardest conversation of your life for a first attempt. The ideal choice has moderate stakes and a relationship that matters. Once you have chosen, put a date on it.
Jia Hui chose Ben, who is on a client project and whose section of the report had come in late three times.
The plan covers seven things, listed in the order you will use them in the conversation:
Facts: two or three things a camera would have recorded (lesson 6.1). Story: the conclusion you have drawn, softened so you can say it tentatively. Shared purpose: what you both want (lesson 6.2). Opening line: this must contain one contrast statement, a line that says what you are not claiming. View: your facts and story in no more than five sentences (lesson 6.3). Question: the genuine question that ends your view. Request: specific, doable, positive, and honest about whether a no is acceptable (lesson 6.4).
Then add two more lines that you will not say out loud. The first is your if-then plan (lesson 3.4, "Write if-then plans for your top triggers") for the moment you are most likely to lose your footing. The second is your best guess at the other person's view, worked out with the three questions from lesson 4.2.
Jia Hui's facts were that Ben's section came in on the 7th, the 8th and the 6th, and that she stayed until nine twice. Her story was that maybe the report isn't a priority for him. Her shared purpose was getting the report out on time without either of them getting buried. Her contrast statement was "I'm not saying you're not pulling your weight." Her question was "How does it look from your side?" Her request was his section by the 4th, or a message by the 2nd if it was at risk, and she was prepared to accept a no. Her if-then plan was that if Ben got defensive, she would stop, repeat the purpose and wait. Her guess at his view was that he was buried in the client project and did not know what the late sections cost her.
Ask a friend, a partner or a trusted colleague to play the other person. Take a couple of minutes to tell them who the person is and how they tend to react. Then run the conversation out loud, from your opening line to your request.
Ask your partner to give you the reaction you fear most at some point. That might be tears, anger, silence or a cold "fine, whatever". The point of rehearsing is to practise staying steady when the conversation goes off script, and you can't practise that if your partner stays kind the whole time. If you slip, stop, use your if-then plan, and run it again.
Afterwards, ask your partner one question: where did I sound like I was attacking, and where did I sound vague? Then change those lines.
Jia Hui rehearsed over dinner with her partner and asked him to play Ben as defensive. When she said "the timing of your section keeps leaving me stuck", he snapped, "Well, I didn't ask to be on the client project." Her first instinct was to argue. They stopped, she used her if-then plan, and they ran it again. The second time she said, "I know. I'm not trying to make this your fault," and waited. It felt awkward, and it worked.
Choose the moment on purpose. It should be private, so neither of you has an audience. This matters more in teams where face is at stake (lesson 5.3). It should be unhurried, with at least twenty minutes and nobody watching the clock. It also shouldn't come at the end of a bad day, whether theirs or yours. A quick look at their calendar, or a simple ask such as "are you free for a coffee on Thursday morning?", is worth the effort.
Jia Hui asked Ben for coffee at 10am on a Tuesday, a week before the next report was due. She avoided the end of the month, when they would both be stressed. She also ruled out a phone call, because it is harder to read each other on a call.
Hold the real conversation within two weeks of writing the plan. Leave the written plan at your desk and carry it in your head. If the conversation goes somewhere unexpected, follow it. The plan is there to prepare you, and the other person's answers matter more than your script.
Write the review on the same day as the conversation, and no later than a day after it. Keep it to half a page in three parts: what went as planned, what surprised you, and what you would change next time.
In Jia Hui's review, the opening went as planned. Ben got defensive once, briefly, and she handled it. The surprise was that their manager had sent a "some flexibility" message she had not known about. Next time she would raise the issue after the first late month instead of waiting for the third.
Your project is finished when you have three things. The first is a written plan covering all seven parts, plus your if-then plan and your guess at their view. The second is a note that you rehearsed with someone who played your feared reaction. The third is a half-page review written within a day of the real conversation. The conversation does not need to go perfectly. It needs to happen, and you need to learn something from it.
Choose your conversation now, and put a date on it before you start the activity below.
Finish your conversation plan and rehearse it once. Hold the real conversation within two weeks, then write a half-page review.
Junxiong-WFG Organisation is an authorised representative of AIA Financial Advisers Private Limited (Reg. No. 201715016G).