What people ask for is not what they need

You will be able to name the interests behind a position, yours and the other side's, in any negotiation.

Two people sit across a table. One says the rent goes up by S$300 a month at renewal. The other says they will not pay a dollar more. Those are positions: what each side says it wants. If the conversation stays there, it becomes a tug of war, and one of three things happens. Someone gives in and resents it, both split the difference and feel vaguely cheated, or the tenant moves out and both lose.

Now ask what each person needs. The landlord might have seen higher listings in the area and does not want to fall behind. Or the interest rate on their mortgage has gone up. Or they are worried about the unit sitting empty between tenants. The tenant might be fine with a higher rent in principle but cannot afford it this year because of a new baby. Or they would pay more if the aircon was finally fixed. Or what they really want is certainty, because moving is expensive and stressful.

These are interests: the needs, worries and goals behind a position. A position is one answer to an interest, usually the first one a person thought of. Roger Fisher and William Ury put this distinction at the centre of Getting to Yes, published in 1981 out of the Harvard Negotiation Project, and it remains the most useful single idea in negotiation.

Why does it matter so much? Because a position can be satisfied in only one way, while an interest usually has several. A landlord whose real worry is an empty flat might accept a smaller increase in exchange for a two-year lease. A tenant who needs certainty might accept a modest increase if it is fixed for two years. Neither proposal was on the table while they were arguing about S$300.

Differences help as much as common ground. If the landlord cares most about the monthly figure and the tenant cares most about repairs being handled quickly, there is a trade. If one side needs cash now and the other can wait, there is a trade. Many good deals exist only because the two sides value things differently.

Interests are not always obvious, even to the person who holds them. Ask yourself why you want what you want, then ask why again. You may find that the salary number you have fixed on is really about paying off a loan within two years, or about not feeling undervalued next to a peer. Those interests could be met in more than one way, and knowing that gives you room to move.

The other side's interests take questions. What would that let you do? What is behind the timing? What makes this hard for you? Asked with real curiosity, questions like these rarely offend, and the answers are worth more than any clever opening line.

Two cautions. First, focusing on interests does not mean being soft. You can be firm about what you need and flexible about how you get it. Second, people do not always tell you their interests, especially when the stakes are high or the relationship is new. Treat your guesses as guesses and keep testing them as the conversation goes on.

This idea runs through every module that follows. Your walk-away point, your first offer and your concessions all work better once you know what both sides actually need.

Your task: pick a negotiation you have coming up, big or small. Write down each side's stated position. Then, for each side, list at least three interests that could be behind it, and mark the ones you would need to check by asking.

Pick a negotiation you have coming up, write each side's stated position, then list at least three interests that could sit behind each.

Course

• Negotiation: salary, deals and everyday asks