You will be able to receive criticism by sorting what kind it is and testing it before deciding what to keep.
The Monday after a big product launch, Patrick calls Nadia into a meeting room. "The client said you were hard to reach on the day, and they felt they had to chase you." Nadia feels three things at once. First, that it is not true: she answered every call. Second, that Patrick is the last person to lecture anyone about being reachable. Third, a sinking feeling that maybe she is not as good at this job as she thought. She says, "That's not fair, I picked up every call," and the meeting goes downhill from there.
If you took Communicate at work: writing, speaking and meetings, lesson 7.4, Take criticism without defending yourself, covered the basics: listen first, ask for an example, and you do not have to agree on the spot. This lesson goes a layer deeper, into why criticism sets you off in the first place, and how to sort it before you decide what to do with it.
Douglas Stone and Sheila Heen, in their book Thanks for the Feedback, describe three triggers that make feedback hard to take in. Each one is a different reason to push it away.
The truth trigger fires when the feedback seems wrong. It is inaccurate, unfair or missing context. Your reaction is: that's not true. Nadia's first feeling, that she had picked up every call, was the truth trigger.
The relationship trigger fires because of who is giving the feedback. You think they have no standing to say it, they have their own faults, or the way they said it was unfair. Your reaction is: who are you to tell me? Nadia's second feeling, that Patrick himself was hard to reach, was this one.
The identity trigger fires when the feedback threatens your sense of who you are. It can knock you off balance far more than the content justifies. Your reaction is: this means I'm a failure. Nadia's sinking feeling was the identity trigger.
Naming which trigger has fired is useful in itself, in the same way that naming a feeling helped in lesson 2.3. Once Nadia could say "that's the truth trigger", she could start to ask whether the feedback was really wrong, or just partly wrong.
The relationship trigger is especially tricky, because it often has a point. Patrick may well be hard to reach. But that is a separate topic. Stone and Heen point out that when the relationship trigger fires, the conversation tends to switch tracks: it started as feedback about your behaviour and turns into an argument about theirs. Both topics may deserve a conversation. They cannot share one.
So hold them apart. First deal with what is being said: is there something in it? Then, separately and later if needed, deal with the relationship issue.
Stone and Heen also describe three kinds of feedback, which helps with sorting. Appreciation says you are valued. Coaching says here is how to do it better. Evaluation says here is where you stand. A lot of confusion comes from mixing them up: someone gives you coaching, and you hear evaluation, a verdict on you as a whole. Patrick's comment was coaching about client contact on event days. Nadia heard it as an evaluation of her whole performance, which is why the identity trigger fired so hard.
The fastest way to test feedback is to ask for one specific example. "Can you tell me what happened, or which moment the client meant?" It moves the conversation from a general impression to something you can examine.
When Nadia asked this a day later, it turned out the client had called her twice between 2pm and 3pm while she was on the loading bay sorting a delivery, with her phone in her bag. She had called back within the hour, but the client had wanted an answer in minutes. So the feedback was partly wrong, because she was reachable most of the day, and partly right, because there was a window when she was not, at the worst moment for the client.
That middle answer, partly wrong and partly right, is the most common result of testing criticism. You only find it if you get past the trigger and ask.
You do not have to decide in the meeting what you will act on. Lesson 3.3, Buy time when you feel yourself about to react, gave you holding lines for exactly this kind of moment. "Thank you, let me think about that" is a complete reply. It acknowledges the feedback, makes no promise to agree, and gives you time for the triggers to settle.
Then come back, ideally within a day or two, with what you have decided. Nadia went back to Patrick on Wednesday: "I've thought about the launch feedback. I was reachable most of the day, but there was an hour when I wasn't, and that was the worst hour for the client. On event days I'll give the client a backup contact for the times I'm on the floor." Patrick agreed, and the conversation was easy, because she had sorted the feedback before responding.
She also noted, privately, that being hard to reach was something she would raise with Patrick about his own habits at some point. That was a separate conversation, for another day.
The best place to practise is on criticism you have already dismissed. Time has passed, the triggers are weaker, and you can ask more calmly which one fired and whether there was anything in it.
In the activity below you recall a piece of criticism you rejected, name the trigger that fired, and look for the part that might have been useful.
Recall a piece of criticism you rejected and write which trigger fired and what part of it might have been useful.
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